For me, the phrase "I love you" is one word too short. As little girls, growing up, women dream and imagine their wedding. The perfect dress, the picture perfect moments taken out of a fairy tale... Well, I skipped all that. Not once have I daydreamed of 'my' wedding, or Mr. Right for that matter.
To me, there is one word that fills my heart with joy and my eyes with tears. A yearning so strong that it makes me question what my final decision will be. A word many women take for granted, yet is the one word that would make my life complete. To my heart, the real question is not "do I want to become a nun or not?" but rather "will I be able to give up the opportunity to hear that word?" That blessed and sacred word! Music to my ears!
Just to think I could ever hear it makes my heart skip a beat. "I love you mommy." My deepest desire, to be a mother. Can I live not knowing what the face of my children would have looked like? The color of their hair, their eyes, their skin? The sound of their voice? Their first steps, first words, first day of school?
I have to take this journey. What if I do marry just to realize I was meant to be a nun? What if I'm happy, but doubt if I followed God's will? At the same time, what if I become a nun, yet suffer to feel I've made the wrong choice, that those beautiful children will never see the light of day because of my inability to discern God's call?
Last Saturday I went to the prayer group over at Eton. Mr. Arturo gave a marvelous topic: Cuesta Seguir A Jesus. I felt he was talking directly to me, yet somehow his words were not penetrating my heart, so when the time came to pray I kneeled, closed my eyes, and asked God to speak to me.
As I prayed, I opened my eyes and saw a little girl (8-10 yrs.) come pick-up her little sister (4-5 yrs.) who had tripped and was crying. Tenderly she held her in her arms, sat her on her lap, and kissed her. I couldn't help it, I felt the tears fill my eyes, so I closed them and prayed. "God, you are so kind. You have chosen me to be the comfort, the medium through which You can give your children your love." I love you because God made me do it!
God is the father of all men. Jesus is the Lord and Saviour of all men. If I become Jesus' wife, I will not only have one son and/or daughter, but thousands, millions! A nun, a mother, a gift to my brothers and sisters. Someone they can trust, someone to show them God's love and, as His wife, bring their pleas and problems to my Lord.
Mother Mirella. Who'd ever heard of a nun who likes rock and wears snickers? Well, perhaps it's my job to bring a new light to this vocation. To show just how marvelous the dogmas of the Catholic Church are to the younger generations. To bring the wondering souls in search of their identity to the doors of salvation. Can I do it? Am I bold enough? Pray that I am, for regardless of my decision, I will carry out this mission for a new Catholic Youth. The possibilities are endless, God's power without limits...
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