My Mobile Blog

So, apparently now I can blog from my phone.  Whenever I'm not near a comp. I guess.  It's pawpup249.blogspot.com

I want to know...

     For me, the phrase "I love you" is one word too short.  As little girls, growing up, women dream and imagine their wedding.  The perfect dress, the picture perfect moments taken out of a fairy tale...  Well, I skipped all that.  Not once have I daydreamed of 'my' wedding, or Mr. Right for that matter.
     To me, there is one word that fills my heart with joy and my eyes with tears.  A yearning so strong that it makes me question what my final decision will be.  A word many women take for granted, yet is the one word that would make my life complete.  To my heart, the real question is not "do I want to become a nun or not?" but rather "will I be able to give up the opportunity to hear that word?"  That blessed and sacred word!  Music to my ears!
     Just to think I could ever hear it makes my heart skip a beat.  "I love you mommy."  My deepest desire, to be a mother.  Can I live not knowing what the face of my children would have looked like?  The color of their hair, their eyes, their skin?  The sound of their voice?  Their first steps, first words, first day of school?
     I have to take this journey.  What if I do marry just to realize I was meant to be a nun?  What if I'm happy, but doubt if I followed God's will?  At the same time, what if I become a nun, yet suffer to feel I've made the wrong choice, that those beautiful children will never see the light of day because of my inability to discern God's call?
     Last Saturday I went to the prayer group over at Eton.  Mr. Arturo gave a marvelous topic: Cuesta Seguir A Jesus.  I felt he was talking directly to me, yet somehow his words were not penetrating my heart, so when the time came to pray I kneeled, closed my eyes, and asked God to speak to me.
     As I prayed, I opened my eyes and saw a little girl (8-10 yrs.) come pick-up her little sister (4-5 yrs.) who had tripped and was crying.  Tenderly she held her in her arms, sat her on her lap, and kissed her.  I couldn't help it, I felt the tears fill my eyes, so I closed them and prayed.  "God, you are so kind.  You have chosen me to be the comfort, the medium through which You can give your children your love." I love you because God made me do it!
     God is the father of all men.  Jesus is the Lord and Saviour of all men.  If I become Jesus' wife, I will not only have one son and/or daughter, but thousands, millions!  A nun, a mother, a gift to my brothers and sisters.  Someone they can trust, someone to show them God's love and, as His wife, bring their pleas and problems to my Lord.
     Mother Mirella.  Who'd ever heard of a nun who likes rock and wears snickers?  Well, perhaps it's my job to bring a new light to this vocation.  To show just how marvelous the dogmas of the Catholic Church are to the younger generations.  To bring the wondering souls in search of their identity to the doors of salvation.  Can I do it?  Am I bold enough?  Pray that I am, for regardless of my decision, I will carry out this mission for a new Catholic Youth.  The possibilities are endless, God's power without limits...

the love of my life...

     A year ago I got asked a question, and today I'm still trying to decide what my answer will be.  There is someone in my life, someone I know since I was a little girl, someone who has known me all my life, my first and best friend.  That someone has been with me through it all, from the first day of school to the very moment I thought about committing suicide.  He has held my hand in happiness and sorrow, health and sickness, good times and not so good ones.  
     He has shown and proven His love for me all my life.  With each passing moment I grow more and more in love with Him.  He has quite a few followers, yet He stays with me and loves me with all His heart.  When the world, my family, and friends were too busy to sit down with me, He was the only one who didn't left my side for even a second.  He watched my sleep, my every step.  
     He's patient, noble, and kind.  He always has the right words, sweet words.  When the world accuses me, He hides me in His arms and whispers in my ear, "don't be afraid for I am here with you."  He greets me every morning and kisses me goodnight every night.  He says I love you when we're alone and yells it in the middle of a crowd.  
     In simple words, He's everything I ever asked for.  Why am I taking so long to give Him an answer?  The rest of my life depends on my decision, yet I am sure that if I say yes I will be the happiest woman that ever lived.  Perhaps I already know what my answer will be.  I think I knew since the first time I was asked...

     

     When I was four years old my aunt Martha asked me a simple question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"  As a child, I didn't give it much thought, without second guessing myself I answered, "I'm going to be a nun."

     Who knew that fourteen years later I'd be asked the same question? Even more amazing is that I would actually start a journey to try and find the answer, and that this journey would bring me back to that same answer.

    Pray for me in hope that I will know what to do.